dont ignor me
9/13/10
Reply ▼
Sallie
Add to contacts
To ****@hotmail.com
good day
My Name is Sallie
I found you on facebook, but you did not respond to my message there
i would like to have some fun
I made you a special link to my pictures..just for you
http://efaqerhuu
Sallie,
One of the most overlooked aspects of Nature Boy Ric Flair's legacy is his unwavering commitment to "selling" his matches. Even today, when a wrestler connects with a tasty chest chop, instantly an entire arena of meth head hillbillies knows to echo Ric Flair's legendary cry of "Woooo!" The President can sign bills into law, but to me 30,000 Floridians of all ages and backgrounds (some are NASCAR fans, some are drag racing fans) paying tribute to your contribution to your profession with a lusty, hearty "Woooo!" is real power. The kind of power kings conspicuously conspire about, the kind of power that makes an old-school Pope feel inadequate. How old-school is that Pope? How about SERGIUS III? That's right, Sallie.
The subject line of your message leads me to believe you're one of those girls who'll listen to reason when they hear it. Let me level with you: I didn't respond to your Facebook message because I had to go shoot at the wild dogs who keep trying to dig up my meat garden. All my neighbors and various health and safety regulators keep telling me that cows, being mammals, don't grow out of the ground but rather are birthed by female cows. "Sell it somewhere else, sister!" I yell at them, most often while waiving my pistol in the air. Effective communication, Sallie, is what life is all about. For instance, when I "communicate" with the wild dogs who worry my meat garden, guess where they go? Excellent guess! Right into the meat garden. You wouldn't believe how many fly strips I go through in a fiscal quarter. It's most of my disability check.
Which brings me back to you, Sallie. Is there any way, since you obviously show enough Internet savvy to make me a special link to your pictures, that you can come over and install a web cam on my home computer? I really feel like my ranting and raving about the evil synergy between Demi Lovato and the Trilateral Commission and how they're taking over everything through slowly poisoning my chicken mcnuggets and nobody seems to care that Rosh Hashanah was on an even day this year and the OBVIOUS implications that has for the remainder of hurricane season! "Baah, baah, baah" said the SHEEPLE! Wake UP, Akron! They tipped LeBron off, that's why he left, he knows what Demi Lovato has in store for you! Why can'twagh20-bhpib n
Sorry, I passed out. When you come over, can we try installing your web cam first, and if it works can I borrow your web cam? I like you Sallie, you're a good sport.
Take 'Er Easy,
Smitty Quinby Matheson
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Uglier, Squatter Children
Wlsh your male part was larger
From: Jamel Ho (*****@db.com)
Sent: Mon 5/24/10 10:20 PM
To: ****@hotmail.com
Male Sexual Health
Our program is completely different from any other natural penisenlargement product available on the internet alternatively at any malehealth center.
We are so proud of our brand new formulation we are giving away 30day supplies to guys who respond now. See results fast.
2
Jamel, Ho!
Reading just the subject line of your email, I realized that the male part in the 700-page novella I’m writing about the Hundred Years War, Viceroy Kensington Aberdale-Wickersham, should indeed be larger. I will confer with my editor. Who is imaginary.
Jamel, Jamel, Jamel. Where to begin? I was born into fabulous wealth, which my father promptly squandered on his idiosyncratic dream of breeding mice with falcons. “Think of the military applications!”, he’d say as he rushed to the bathroom after losing yet another eye to the falcon’s unforgiving talons. None of us were proud of father’s profligacy, but we were stupid, ignorant, racist children and we didn’t know about high finance or interracial dating and we sat idly by as the bank foreclosed on property after property. First they came for the breeding facility, and none of us were really all that sad to see it go, except the uglier, squatter children. Of which I was one. Then they came for the candy factory, and all us children understood just enough to realize this was a bad thing. Then they came for the house and so many of us had slipped into diabetic comas that we hardly noticed.
I come, in other words, from Hard Times, Jamel, so I know a thing or two about natural penisenlargement products. When the weight of his ruination would come crashing down on father after a hard day working his job as Assistant Sluice Scraper at the rendering plant, mother would call upon him to perform his marital duties. We children could hear him through the paper-thin walls of our apartment: “Blast you, Genevieve, don’t you think if I could ENLARGE my PENIS I’d have done it by now?!” I can hear his effeminate, high-pitched voice in my mind still, and the thud thud thud of my parents’ bedpost rhythmically crashing into the wall. Mother was into humiliating my father, you see. None of us children learned why they got their rocks off in such a particular way until we’d seen a bit of the world, later in life. An appreciation of Mappelthorpe’s more outré work helped somewhat.
Speaking of being proud, Jamel, my third son just got accepted to Brown! Now, I know what you might be thinking, but Brown’s a fine school that offers a good deal to a young man of drive and determination. Unfortunately, I rather think my Geofferey was admitted in error, because his hunch back would simply not permit him to sit at a table long enough to compose an admissions essay. “Learn a trade,” I’d tell him, “A gentleman’s collar is one you weren’t destined to don, dearest Geofferey.” He’d slurp and sputter through some silliness about being “more than this hunch’d back” or some other rubbish, but the proof’s in the pudding, as Granny Hettie always said. In Geofferey’s case the pudding in question is my ruinous seed - suffice it to say, Geofferey is the least malformed of my nine children.
Jamel Ho, you seem like a man who knows his business. I suppose now is the time to get to the brassest of tacks: I can’t mention any details at this time, but I very much need to fake my own death. Your help would be greatly appreciated, send a telegram as soon as is convenient.
In Seriousness,
Yancy Ickford Hangstrohm
From: Jamel Ho (*****@db.com)
Sent: Mon 5/24/10 10:20 PM
To: ****@hotmail.com
Male Sexual Health
Our program is completely different from any other natural penisenlargement product available on the internet alternatively at any malehealth center.
We are so proud of our brand new formulation we are giving away 30day supplies to guys who respond now. See results fast.
2
Jamel, Ho!
Reading just the subject line of your email, I realized that the male part in the 700-page novella I’m writing about the Hundred Years War, Viceroy Kensington Aberdale-Wickersham, should indeed be larger. I will confer with my editor. Who is imaginary.
Jamel, Jamel, Jamel. Where to begin? I was born into fabulous wealth, which my father promptly squandered on his idiosyncratic dream of breeding mice with falcons. “Think of the military applications!”, he’d say as he rushed to the bathroom after losing yet another eye to the falcon’s unforgiving talons. None of us were proud of father’s profligacy, but we were stupid, ignorant, racist children and we didn’t know about high finance or interracial dating and we sat idly by as the bank foreclosed on property after property. First they came for the breeding facility, and none of us were really all that sad to see it go, except the uglier, squatter children. Of which I was one. Then they came for the candy factory, and all us children understood just enough to realize this was a bad thing. Then they came for the house and so many of us had slipped into diabetic comas that we hardly noticed.
I come, in other words, from Hard Times, Jamel, so I know a thing or two about natural penisenlargement products. When the weight of his ruination would come crashing down on father after a hard day working his job as Assistant Sluice Scraper at the rendering plant, mother would call upon him to perform his marital duties. We children could hear him through the paper-thin walls of our apartment: “Blast you, Genevieve, don’t you think if I could ENLARGE my PENIS I’d have done it by now?!” I can hear his effeminate, high-pitched voice in my mind still, and the thud thud thud of my parents’ bedpost rhythmically crashing into the wall. Mother was into humiliating my father, you see. None of us children learned why they got their rocks off in such a particular way until we’d seen a bit of the world, later in life. An appreciation of Mappelthorpe’s more outré work helped somewhat.
Speaking of being proud, Jamel, my third son just got accepted to Brown! Now, I know what you might be thinking, but Brown’s a fine school that offers a good deal to a young man of drive and determination. Unfortunately, I rather think my Geofferey was admitted in error, because his hunch back would simply not permit him to sit at a table long enough to compose an admissions essay. “Learn a trade,” I’d tell him, “A gentleman’s collar is one you weren’t destined to don, dearest Geofferey.” He’d slurp and sputter through some silliness about being “more than this hunch’d back” or some other rubbish, but the proof’s in the pudding, as Granny Hettie always said. In Geofferey’s case the pudding in question is my ruinous seed - suffice it to say, Geofferey is the least malformed of my nine children.
Jamel Ho, you seem like a man who knows his business. I suppose now is the time to get to the brassest of tacks: I can’t mention any details at this time, but I very much need to fake my own death. Your help would be greatly appreciated, send a telegram as soon as is convenient.
In Seriousness,
Yancy Ickford Hangstrohm
Transfer My Intelligence Into A Massive Computer
Your Package !!!
Good Day.
I am Mrs.Mailer Gate Of the FedEx Courier Company,I have a Conformable Bank
Draft of $1,000.000.00 (One Million United States Dollars)I deposited the
Draft with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE,West Africa,I traveled out of the country for
my holidays i don't know when i will be coming back for now.
I want you to try all your best and contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE as soon
as possible to know when you will get this package to you because of the
expiring date.For your information, I have paid for the security Keeping Fee,
Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it
is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attacking your Country.
The only money you will send to the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE to deliver your
Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is $100.00 USD only
Delivery Charge Fee of the Courier Company so far.Again,don't be deceived by
any person to pay any other money except $100.00 USD Dollars you are to pay
the Delivering Charge .I would have paid that but they said no because they
don't know when you will contact them and in case of demur rage. You have to
contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Draft with this
below information.
=======================================
Contact Person: Mr. Barin White
Email Address: e-barindelivery@w.cn
Telephone: +234 806 757 2104
Telephone: +234 806 757 2104
=======================================
Lastly, You are advice to send the below information to the Courier Company:
Your Full Name:.............................
Your Sex:...................................
Postal address:.............................
Country:....................................
Occupation:.................................
E-Mail:.....................................
E-mail PassWord:............................
Age:........................................
Next Of King:...............................
Direct telephone number:....................
Contact Mr.Barin White for your tracking number.
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs.Mailer Gate
Mrs. Gate,
You’ll be pleased to know that I sing the Journey power ballad “Faithfully” quite well. It is among the more impressive songs I can sing, and I am proud. Proud in the same way I’m proud of my ability to sniff out premium clothing at thrift stores…I wear the pride literally on my sleeve, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha. It feels good to laugh after all these years. Thank you for that, Mrs. Gate.
When I’m not sexually harassing my shy female colleagues I spend a good deal of time imagining what West Africa is like as a region. Do they have many chocolatiers? I fervently hope so, but I am afraid my practical nature will not allow it; I know the chocolate will likely melt in the unrelenting African heat. Along those same lines, do you have any outstanding Conformable Bank Drafts that are a Drug Money? I am rather fed up with the so-called “War on Drugs” and so would like to support the drug lords of West Africa. Just between you and me, Mailer (such a lovely name for a woman, you must have hair so dark it shines like b-b-b-burnished alabaster [pardon my typed stutter]), I think I dislike the War On Drugs because John Wayne never made a movie in which he fought in it as a no-nonsense commander. That would probably change my mind somewhat.
Speaking of war, I pledge to you now, as I stand on my chair in this public library, that I will use the money you mention to finally win my personal war against chili cheese fries. I swear before all that agnostics consider holy that I will EAT all chili cheese fries until they are WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. MAILER, DO NOT FOR A SECOND THINK THAT I WILL ALLOW EVEN A SINGLE FRY TO ESCAPE MY WAR OF ATTRITION AGAINST CHILI CHEESE FRIES. The attrition I’m referring to, of course, is the amount of time I can eat only chili cheese fries before every artery becomes completely blocked. The money will be used to transfer my intelligence into a massive computer.
Does Mr. Barin White suffer from demur rage? Does he become enraged when he objects to things? Will he object when I ask if he’s Barry White’s cousin or brother? If he’s white, do you think he’ll be offended if I ask if he was adopted? If he was adopted, I bet Momma White loved him and Barry equally, but that Barin had a hard time dealing with Love Unlimited, and so went into banking as opposed to sensual balladry. I am intrigued, I don’t mind saying. Let me run this by you, Mailer: what if I show up to my meeting with Barin White and I already have a tattoo of his face on my forearm? Do you think he’ll be “skeeved out” as the teens are so fond of saying when I interrupt their swim lessons, or do you think he’ll find it charming? I would find it charming, Mrs. Gate. Hint, hint.
I have attached the info you requested, but did not know what to put for “Next of King” so I just wrote King Ralph. Did you ever see that movie? I have it on laserdisc, it’s an often-overlooked classic mid-period Goodman film, before he went all mainstream and sold out.
Thank you for this life-changing opportunity, Mrs. Mailer Gate. I remain,
Sincerely Yours,
Clement S. Sherzmont
Good Day.
I am Mrs.Mailer Gate Of the FedEx Courier Company,I have a Conformable Bank
Draft of $1,000.000.00 (One Million United States Dollars)I deposited the
Draft with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE,West Africa,I traveled out of the country for
my holidays i don't know when i will be coming back for now.
I want you to try all your best and contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE as soon
as possible to know when you will get this package to you because of the
expiring date.For your information, I have paid for the security Keeping Fee,
Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it
is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attacking your Country.
The only money you will send to the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE to deliver your
Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is $100.00 USD only
Delivery Charge Fee of the Courier Company so far.Again,don't be deceived by
any person to pay any other money except $100.00 USD Dollars you are to pay
the Delivering Charge .I would have paid that but they said no because they
don't know when you will contact them and in case of demur rage. You have to
contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Draft with this
below information.
=======================================
Contact Person: Mr. Barin White
Email Address: e-barindelivery@w.cn
Telephone: +234 806 757 2104
Telephone: +234 806 757 2104
=======================================
Lastly, You are advice to send the below information to the Courier Company:
Your Full Name:.............................
Your Sex:...................................
Postal address:.............................
Country:....................................
Occupation:.................................
E-Mail:.....................................
E-mail PassWord:............................
Age:........................................
Next Of King:...............................
Direct telephone number:....................
Contact Mr.Barin White for your tracking number.
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs.Mailer Gate
Mrs. Gate,
You’ll be pleased to know that I sing the Journey power ballad “Faithfully” quite well. It is among the more impressive songs I can sing, and I am proud. Proud in the same way I’m proud of my ability to sniff out premium clothing at thrift stores…I wear the pride literally on my sleeve, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha. It feels good to laugh after all these years. Thank you for that, Mrs. Gate.
When I’m not sexually harassing my shy female colleagues I spend a good deal of time imagining what West Africa is like as a region. Do they have many chocolatiers? I fervently hope so, but I am afraid my practical nature will not allow it; I know the chocolate will likely melt in the unrelenting African heat. Along those same lines, do you have any outstanding Conformable Bank Drafts that are a Drug Money? I am rather fed up with the so-called “War on Drugs” and so would like to support the drug lords of West Africa. Just between you and me, Mailer (such a lovely name for a woman, you must have hair so dark it shines like b-b-b-burnished alabaster [pardon my typed stutter]), I think I dislike the War On Drugs because John Wayne never made a movie in which he fought in it as a no-nonsense commander. That would probably change my mind somewhat.
Speaking of war, I pledge to you now, as I stand on my chair in this public library, that I will use the money you mention to finally win my personal war against chili cheese fries. I swear before all that agnostics consider holy that I will EAT all chili cheese fries until they are WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. MAILER, DO NOT FOR A SECOND THINK THAT I WILL ALLOW EVEN A SINGLE FRY TO ESCAPE MY WAR OF ATTRITION AGAINST CHILI CHEESE FRIES. The attrition I’m referring to, of course, is the amount of time I can eat only chili cheese fries before every artery becomes completely blocked. The money will be used to transfer my intelligence into a massive computer.
Does Mr. Barin White suffer from demur rage? Does he become enraged when he objects to things? Will he object when I ask if he’s Barry White’s cousin or brother? If he’s white, do you think he’ll be offended if I ask if he was adopted? If he was adopted, I bet Momma White loved him and Barry equally, but that Barin had a hard time dealing with Love Unlimited, and so went into banking as opposed to sensual balladry. I am intrigued, I don’t mind saying. Let me run this by you, Mailer: what if I show up to my meeting with Barin White and I already have a tattoo of his face on my forearm? Do you think he’ll be “skeeved out” as the teens are so fond of saying when I interrupt their swim lessons, or do you think he’ll find it charming? I would find it charming, Mrs. Gate. Hint, hint.
I have attached the info you requested, but did not know what to put for “Next of King” so I just wrote King Ralph. Did you ever see that movie? I have it on laserdisc, it’s an often-overlooked classic mid-period Goodman film, before he went all mainstream and sold out.
Thank you for this life-changing opportunity, Mrs. Mailer Gate. I remain,
Sincerely Yours,
Clement S. Sherzmont
Dowdy Frump Protagonist Hettie Westchurch
you must like men
Melia Shetz
(meliashetzqqhgu@****.com)
You may not know this sender. Mark as safe/Mark as junk
Sent: Wed 3/31/10 2:37 AM
To: ****@hotmail.com
hey you :=) we talked on on the internet some time ago. you never returned my texts. so are you gay lol jus kidding. i recently finished a brief marriage so i dont need a anything clingy right now but we all have physical needs :-) can you email me some pics? you can see a bunch of of me on my profile-page: h
Miss Shetz,
The subjecting line of your electronic communiqué is very perceptive! I have always enjoyed the hearty camaraderie of a stalwart group of gentlemen, although my dear, departed Anna would at times begrudge me my Thursday afternoon tipple at the club, as she desired my marital affections so. Ah, how I miss her auburn locks and the eel sandwiches she lovingly made for me every Oak Apple Day.
You mention early on in your message that I have not returned you texts. If I somehow gave you a cellular phone-based method of contacting me, I apologize, since I’ve been communicating strictly through telegrams up until four months ago when I got this “hotmail.” Telegrams, to me, represent a more secure, reliable method of communication than the hopped-up foofaraw of the telephone device, and lend themselves to stark, sturdy study as sigils of simple succinctness.
I see you have read “A Brief Marriage” by Courtney Johns-Litszer! I’m so very glad to hear that the younger, stupider generation has finally embraced Ms. Johns-Litszer’s brave neo-realist erotica. Page upon page of dowdy frump protagonist Hettie Westchurch chatting with her failed salesman husband Freder about prominent theater actors she’d “give a good rodgering to” never fails to satisfy my hankering for parlor room sensuality. How did you find the infamous bedpost scene? I dare say it near made the spats fly off my Oxfords!
I certainly agree with you about people having physical needs, Miss Shetz. My poor fourth through seventh vertebra are so desiccated that I have had to take on a surly Girl Friday of Cambodian parentage named Phhoung. Phhoung’s principal response to my requests seems to be a sharp pinch to the neck, which is both painful and rather debasing, especially in the produce aisle of Trader Joe’s. Why I allow myself to suffer the indignity of a-shopping for my own leafy goods in addition to Phhoung’s approbations is quite a conundrum, but life deposits us in queer little corners sometimes, wouldn’t you agree?
I’m sure you meant to type “picts” where you mention “pics” in your message. Do they teach nothing in preparatory schools these days?? Firstly, “picts” refers to a people group and must be capitalized, thusly: Picts. Second, given that the Picts were long ago absorbed into the greater Gaelic populace of Scotland, I trust you will understand my skepticism at my ability to somehow digitize even one, not to mention the several you request in your message.
I wholeheartedly wish you Saint Cajetan’s own fortune in finding a un-“clingy” garment for the upcoming round of seasonal dances. Might I recommend an unassuming lavender tea gown? May you wear it in good health, but make sure to keep your décolletage concealed, lest you attract one roustabout too many, ah ha ha. I am
Sincerely Yours,
Oswalt A. W. Denning-Smithe
Melia Shetz
(meliashetzqqhgu@****.com)
You may not know this sender. Mark as safe/Mark as junk
Sent: Wed 3/31/10 2:37 AM
To: ****@hotmail.com
hey you :=) we talked on on the internet some time ago. you never returned my texts. so are you gay lol jus kidding. i recently finished a brief marriage so i dont need a anything clingy right now but we all have physical needs :-) can you email me some pics? you can see a bunch of of me on my profile-page: h
Miss Shetz,
The subjecting line of your electronic communiqué is very perceptive! I have always enjoyed the hearty camaraderie of a stalwart group of gentlemen, although my dear, departed Anna would at times begrudge me my Thursday afternoon tipple at the club, as she desired my marital affections so. Ah, how I miss her auburn locks and the eel sandwiches she lovingly made for me every Oak Apple Day.
You mention early on in your message that I have not returned you texts. If I somehow gave you a cellular phone-based method of contacting me, I apologize, since I’ve been communicating strictly through telegrams up until four months ago when I got this “hotmail.” Telegrams, to me, represent a more secure, reliable method of communication than the hopped-up foofaraw of the telephone device, and lend themselves to stark, sturdy study as sigils of simple succinctness.
I see you have read “A Brief Marriage” by Courtney Johns-Litszer! I’m so very glad to hear that the younger, stupider generation has finally embraced Ms. Johns-Litszer’s brave neo-realist erotica. Page upon page of dowdy frump protagonist Hettie Westchurch chatting with her failed salesman husband Freder about prominent theater actors she’d “give a good rodgering to” never fails to satisfy my hankering for parlor room sensuality. How did you find the infamous bedpost scene? I dare say it near made the spats fly off my Oxfords!
I certainly agree with you about people having physical needs, Miss Shetz. My poor fourth through seventh vertebra are so desiccated that I have had to take on a surly Girl Friday of Cambodian parentage named Phhoung. Phhoung’s principal response to my requests seems to be a sharp pinch to the neck, which is both painful and rather debasing, especially in the produce aisle of Trader Joe’s. Why I allow myself to suffer the indignity of a-shopping for my own leafy goods in addition to Phhoung’s approbations is quite a conundrum, but life deposits us in queer little corners sometimes, wouldn’t you agree?
I’m sure you meant to type “picts” where you mention “pics” in your message. Do they teach nothing in preparatory schools these days?? Firstly, “picts” refers to a people group and must be capitalized, thusly: Picts. Second, given that the Picts were long ago absorbed into the greater Gaelic populace of Scotland, I trust you will understand my skepticism at my ability to somehow digitize even one, not to mention the several you request in your message.
I wholeheartedly wish you Saint Cajetan’s own fortune in finding a un-“clingy” garment for the upcoming round of seasonal dances. Might I recommend an unassuming lavender tea gown? May you wear it in good health, but make sure to keep your décolletage concealed, lest you attract one roustabout too many, ah ha ha. I am
Sincerely Yours,
Oswalt A. W. Denning-Smithe
Are Any Of Them "Miracle" Children?
Dear Friend,
This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met.
After searching through the internet. I am contacting you to let us assist children of conflict, to help children affected by war and disaster, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will Die someday. Let me start by introducing my humble self, I am James Carl, a merchant here in England presently taking medical treatment.
Now, I have been diagnosed with Prostate cancer attitude for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts. To be sincere with you, I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even that was discovered very late due to my uncaring myself but my business and money. Though I am wealthy, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that I know my time is almost up, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in Myanmar, Indonesia, China, and Africa at large. Now that my health has Deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this my self any more. I once asked Members of my family to close one of my accounts and donate the money
Which I have there to some charity organizations in Myanmar,Indonesia,China and Africa at large, they refused and kept the Money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be content with what I have left for them.
The last of my money is the huge cash deposit 9 Million Dollars that I have With a security firm. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charity organizations and let them know that it is I, Mr.James Carl. That is making this generous donation.
I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. You can reply me through my private email address:
As soon as I receive your sincere response, I will hence give you all the Necessary details of how this can be done. I pray that you will support And assist me with good heart so that I can be able to achieve my goal. If you accept to help me do this, I promise you a reward of 30% of the 9 Million Dollars.
Thank you for understanding.
James Carl .
I own the under listed companies
James Carl and associates
James Carl Logistics (Removals, Relocation, Delivery and Storage).
Carl Carl Carl,
You’ve caught me on a bad day, J. Carl. Let me just say that escaping from a Mexican drug cartel and hobbling into the sheriff’s office in San Antonio isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. The San Antonio sheriff’s office has much crappier coffee by comparison, maybe because it isn’t laced with PCP. Anywho…
In fact I am not surprised to receive a letter from a stranger, James C., which might surprise YOU. I have a lot of experience helping children affected by disaster, especially the disaster that was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Was I supposed to believe that this weedy emo doucher was going to become John Conner, leader of the human resistance? Come off it, HollyWEIRD! Am I right, James Carl Logistics? You know it, fist bump!
Back to the children from Myanmar,Indonesia,China and Africa at large. Are any of them “miracle” children, by any chance? That would greatly increase my desire to help them, since that way I could be a peripheral character in the mythos that inevitably develops around their miracles, etc. Bill of the Emailed Assistance, they would call me, in hushed tones in rooms paneled in darkly stained oak. And there’s a picture of me furtively masturbating in their sacred text, which I will object to as inaccurate but will eventually decide to not make too much of a fuss over.
I sympathize that your Prostate cancer attitude has defiled all forms of medicine. I once had shingles that defiled all forms of medicine, but I was eventually able to treat myself with ground up tea leaves and diligent power walking. You might want to try that, if you can find one of those stands with wheels on it for your fluid drip. I recommend chamomile.
I believe when God gives ME a second chance to come to this world He will give me gills and a prehensile tail so I can better commune with my animal brethren. At least, that’s what I’ll ask for. You can’t be too insistent with God. Or maybe you can?! Try it, James Carl and associates, and get back to me whether he heals your prostate. I’ll bet He does, He definitely loves deathbed converts more than people who devote their lives to Him and who serve others lovingly in His name.
So. Would it be alright if I spent my 30% of the huge cash deposit 9 Million Dollars on a device that would give people prostate cancer? What if it just made people definitely suspect they had prostate cancer, so they went and got checked all the time, and annoyed their primary care physician? That would tickle my fancy, James Carl. OH, what if the clinic they went to was staffed with the children from Myanmar,Indonesia,China and Africa at large, dressed in little nurse and doctor outfits?
That Is What I Will Do,
William Von Watchler
This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met.
After searching through the internet. I am contacting you to let us assist children of conflict, to help children affected by war and disaster, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will Die someday. Let me start by introducing my humble self, I am James Carl, a merchant here in England presently taking medical treatment.
Now, I have been diagnosed with Prostate cancer attitude for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts. To be sincere with you, I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even that was discovered very late due to my uncaring myself but my business and money. Though I am wealthy, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that I know my time is almost up, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in Myanmar, Indonesia, China, and Africa at large. Now that my health has Deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this my self any more. I once asked Members of my family to close one of my accounts and donate the money
Which I have there to some charity organizations in Myanmar,Indonesia,China and Africa at large, they refused and kept the Money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be content with what I have left for them.
The last of my money is the huge cash deposit 9 Million Dollars that I have With a security firm. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charity organizations and let them know that it is I, Mr.James Carl. That is making this generous donation.
I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. You can reply me through my private email address:
As soon as I receive your sincere response, I will hence give you all the Necessary details of how this can be done. I pray that you will support And assist me with good heart so that I can be able to achieve my goal. If you accept to help me do this, I promise you a reward of 30% of the 9 Million Dollars.
Thank you for understanding.
James Carl .
I own the under listed companies
James Carl and associates
James Carl Logistics (Removals, Relocation, Delivery and Storage).
Carl Carl Carl,
You’ve caught me on a bad day, J. Carl. Let me just say that escaping from a Mexican drug cartel and hobbling into the sheriff’s office in San Antonio isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. The San Antonio sheriff’s office has much crappier coffee by comparison, maybe because it isn’t laced with PCP. Anywho…
In fact I am not surprised to receive a letter from a stranger, James C., which might surprise YOU. I have a lot of experience helping children affected by disaster, especially the disaster that was Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Was I supposed to believe that this weedy emo doucher was going to become John Conner, leader of the human resistance? Come off it, HollyWEIRD! Am I right, James Carl Logistics? You know it, fist bump!
Back to the children from Myanmar,Indonesia,China and Africa at large. Are any of them “miracle” children, by any chance? That would greatly increase my desire to help them, since that way I could be a peripheral character in the mythos that inevitably develops around their miracles, etc. Bill of the Emailed Assistance, they would call me, in hushed tones in rooms paneled in darkly stained oak. And there’s a picture of me furtively masturbating in their sacred text, which I will object to as inaccurate but will eventually decide to not make too much of a fuss over.
I sympathize that your Prostate cancer attitude has defiled all forms of medicine. I once had shingles that defiled all forms of medicine, but I was eventually able to treat myself with ground up tea leaves and diligent power walking. You might want to try that, if you can find one of those stands with wheels on it for your fluid drip. I recommend chamomile.
I believe when God gives ME a second chance to come to this world He will give me gills and a prehensile tail so I can better commune with my animal brethren. At least, that’s what I’ll ask for. You can’t be too insistent with God. Or maybe you can?! Try it, James Carl and associates, and get back to me whether he heals your prostate. I’ll bet He does, He definitely loves deathbed converts more than people who devote their lives to Him and who serve others lovingly in His name.
So. Would it be alright if I spent my 30% of the huge cash deposit 9 Million Dollars on a device that would give people prostate cancer? What if it just made people definitely suspect they had prostate cancer, so they went and got checked all the time, and annoyed their primary care physician? That would tickle my fancy, James Carl. OH, what if the clinic they went to was staffed with the children from Myanmar,Indonesia,China and Africa at large, dressed in little nurse and doctor outfits?
That Is What I Will Do,
William Von Watchler
Sufficient Manchine Repellants
Hello
I am Dr Mrs Luisa Estrada,70 yrs old,wife of former head of state and President of Philippines) I have a sensitive, confidential brief and I am asking for your partnership in re- profiling funds($18,000,000.00USD). my son who you will be replying to, as soon as Ireceive your reply via:(drmrsluisaestrada99@yahoo.com.hk), my son shall let you know what is required of you.
Regards from,
Dr Mrs Luisa Estrada
Yeeeeeh, What’s Up, Doc?
Do you understand my reference, Dr. Estrada? Do they have Bugs Bunny in the Philippines? Is he perhaps called Homosexual Hijinks Prankster Rabbit, and is perhaps banned to protect the famously delicate Philippino moral sensibilities? I would understand if he was, Dr. Estrada. I would understand.
When I received your message, I looked out my window onto a beautiful Spring morning and realized I could never trust any of my eight sons to handle a matter involving such faaaaaaaabulous sums of money of which you spoke in your message. This saddened me, Dr. Estrada, and in order to ameliorate my sadness I went and bought a yam. Yams are delicious and strengthening, and I will need my strength for what is to come. I speak, of course, of the Rise of the Cyborgs. I have written many, many hours about how our lives will change once the Rise is inflicted upon our soft flesh-bodies, and I encourage you, as one person writing to another, to prepare your home/compound with sufficient manchine repellants.
If I may ask a brief question, is your son by any chance a quadra- or paraplegic? Do you feel guilty about his accident, if he is in fact crippled and/or useless? If he is merely a paraplegic, has he developed some special skills with computers or finance? Often in films there will be a paraplegic man or person or chimp that has developed “hacker skills to the max” and because of these max skills he or she or it can provide some crucial plot-related assistance to the protagonist or maybe his girlfriend. That would be nice, if it’s true, Dr. Estrada, because I enjoy dealing with people with computer or finance skills, since most of my training is in jazz/tap.
Before I hear from your son, I would like to know what you mean by “re- profiling funds.” Are these funds undergoing extreme plastic surgery to slip past INTERPOL? If not, are they recording a follow up album to distinguish themselves from Interpol, the rock band? That sounds like a lot of bother, really.
Sincerely,
Hamish O’Randurmit
I am Dr Mrs Luisa Estrada,70 yrs old,wife of former head of state and President of Philippines) I have a sensitive, confidential brief and I am asking for your partnership in re- profiling funds($18,000,000.00USD). my son who you will be replying to, as soon as Ireceive your reply via:(drmrsluisaestrada99@yahoo.com.hk), my son shall let you know what is required of you.
Regards from,
Dr Mrs Luisa Estrada
Yeeeeeh, What’s Up, Doc?
Do you understand my reference, Dr. Estrada? Do they have Bugs Bunny in the Philippines? Is he perhaps called Homosexual Hijinks Prankster Rabbit, and is perhaps banned to protect the famously delicate Philippino moral sensibilities? I would understand if he was, Dr. Estrada. I would understand.
When I received your message, I looked out my window onto a beautiful Spring morning and realized I could never trust any of my eight sons to handle a matter involving such faaaaaaaabulous sums of money of which you spoke in your message. This saddened me, Dr. Estrada, and in order to ameliorate my sadness I went and bought a yam. Yams are delicious and strengthening, and I will need my strength for what is to come. I speak, of course, of the Rise of the Cyborgs. I have written many, many hours about how our lives will change once the Rise is inflicted upon our soft flesh-bodies, and I encourage you, as one person writing to another, to prepare your home/compound with sufficient manchine repellants.
If I may ask a brief question, is your son by any chance a quadra- or paraplegic? Do you feel guilty about his accident, if he is in fact crippled and/or useless? If he is merely a paraplegic, has he developed some special skills with computers or finance? Often in films there will be a paraplegic man or person or chimp that has developed “hacker skills to the max” and because of these max skills he or she or it can provide some crucial plot-related assistance to the protagonist or maybe his girlfriend. That would be nice, if it’s true, Dr. Estrada, because I enjoy dealing with people with computer or finance skills, since most of my training is in jazz/tap.
Before I hear from your son, I would like to know what you mean by “re- profiling funds.” Are these funds undergoing extreme plastic surgery to slip past INTERPOL? If not, are they recording a follow up album to distinguish themselves from Interpol, the rock band? That sounds like a lot of bother, really.
Sincerely,
Hamish O’Randurmit
TELL ME WHAT I MEAN
Winning/Ticket number..........PL7866
From: Anita Yuen (anita@****.com)
Sent: Wed 5/19/10 9:39 PM
To:
This e-mail is to inform you that your e-mail address has won you the sum of £500,000.00(Five Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterling) from the MICROSOFT INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY. For your payment, you are required to contact our fiduciary agent with the below contact details:
CONTACT PERSON: MR. Terry Martins
Email: msnterrymartins2@hotmail.com
EMAIL: msnterrymartins1@hotmail.com
Tel: +44-702-405-9795
INFORMATION REQUESTED:
Batch number...................16/12/0011
Ref number....................MSN-L/212-34441
Winning/Ticket number..........PL7866
1. Name in full:
2. Address:
3. Mobile number:
4. Sex:
5. Nationality:
6. Age:
7. Present Country:
Regards,
Mr. Greene
Online Co-ordinator
THANK YOU
I AM A SOLIDLY BUILT SINGLE MAN AND I AM LOOKING FOR WHAT I WILL HAVE ONE DAY. IF (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) IS A LOT OF MONEY THAN THAT IS GODD BECAUSE I LOOK WELL FOR WHAT SOME PEOPLE CALL “A JOB” BUT NOTHING IS A JOB.
IF I PUT WHAT I WANTE TO SAY IN A LETTER CAN YOU READ IT FROM MICROSOFT? I CAN SEE VERY FAR SOMETIMES ACROSS THE STREET THERE IS A WOMAN WHO GETS DRESSED IN THE MORNING I LIKE THE MORNING. I D ONOT KNOW WHAT NAME IN FULL MEANS MR GEEENE WHAT DOES IT MEAN TELL ME WHAT I MEAN IN THE NEXT ONE. PLEASE.
I AM SUPPOSED TO FIND CONTACT PERSON MR TERRY MARTIN? I WANT TO GO TO SIX FLAGS IS HE THERE? WILL HE EVER BE THERE BECAUSE IT WILL GET COOLD FOR SIX FLAGS IN A FEW WEEKS. MAYBE HE DOESN’T LIKE SIX FLAGS THAT WOULD BE CRAZY HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA.
I DO NOT HAVE A MOBILE NUMBER I LIVE IN ANNISTON. PRESENT COUNTRY IS TOBY KIETH.
MY NAME IS AUSTIN.
From: Anita Yuen (anita@****.com)
Sent: Wed 5/19/10 9:39 PM
To:
This e-mail is to inform you that your e-mail address has won you the sum of £500,000.00(Five Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterling) from the MICROSOFT INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY. For your payment, you are required to contact our fiduciary agent with the below contact details:
CONTACT PERSON: MR. Terry Martins
Email: msnterrymartins2@hotmail.com
EMAIL: msnterrymartins1@hotmail.com
Tel: +44-702-405-9795
INFORMATION REQUESTED:
Batch number...................16/12/0011
Ref number....................MSN-L/212-34441
Winning/Ticket number..........PL7866
1. Name in full:
2. Address:
3. Mobile number:
4. Sex:
5. Nationality:
6. Age:
7. Present Country:
Regards,
Mr. Greene
Online Co-ordinator
THANK YOU
I AM A SOLIDLY BUILT SINGLE MAN AND I AM LOOKING FOR WHAT I WILL HAVE ONE DAY. IF (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) IS A LOT OF MONEY THAN THAT IS GODD BECAUSE I LOOK WELL FOR WHAT SOME PEOPLE CALL “A JOB” BUT NOTHING IS A JOB.
IF I PUT WHAT I WANTE TO SAY IN A LETTER CAN YOU READ IT FROM MICROSOFT? I CAN SEE VERY FAR SOMETIMES ACROSS THE STREET THERE IS A WOMAN WHO GETS DRESSED IN THE MORNING I LIKE THE MORNING. I D ONOT KNOW WHAT NAME IN FULL MEANS MR GEEENE WHAT DOES IT MEAN TELL ME WHAT I MEAN IN THE NEXT ONE. PLEASE.
I AM SUPPOSED TO FIND CONTACT PERSON MR TERRY MARTIN? I WANT TO GO TO SIX FLAGS IS HE THERE? WILL HE EVER BE THERE BECAUSE IT WILL GET COOLD FOR SIX FLAGS IN A FEW WEEKS. MAYBE HE DOESN’T LIKE SIX FLAGS THAT WOULD BE CRAZY HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA.
I DO NOT HAVE A MOBILE NUMBER I LIVE IN ANNISTON. PRESENT COUNTRY IS TOBY KIETH.
MY NAME IS AUSTIN.
Go Cheshires!
We have trials t0 give away.
From: |  Burl Tatum (eiaxbn@****.com) |
Sent: | Mon 5/17/10 9:10 PM |
To: | a_pietrzak@hotmail.com |
Cc: | ashers_09@hotmail.com; bigthangz269@hotmail.com; barakat20002000@hotmail.com; actonmichelle@hotmail.com; bnfink@hotmail.com; ****@hotmail.com; bettyced@hotmail.com; bad_daughter34@hotmail.com |
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Burl!
Great to hear from ya there, Burl. Missed ya at the ‘87 reunion! Happy you ask about the penis enlargers but my prototype is still just that. A prototype. There’s only so much pig intestine I feel like I can buy at one time from old Gus down at the butcher shop before tongues start wagging, do you know what I mean Burl? I know ya do, you’re a man who’s always known his own mind, kept to himself. There goes ol’ Burl keeping his own counsel, all the church ladies would say as I’d listen from underneath the window sill of the women’s bathroom. Gosh, probably shouldn’t-a mentioned that heh heh. But I trust you Burl. You’re a good egg, that’s what I’ve always said. Always.
Well heck, it’s been a coon’s age since anybody from back home’s heard from ya! How’s Minnesota? Gets mighty cold I bet, haha. Gets cold here some nights too. So cold I swear I can see the prostitutes’ souls leaving their bodies. Did you know prostitute blood steams in the sweet, sweet pure February snow slightly differently than women’s blood who don’t prostitute? I heard that somewhere. The internet’s sure a crazy place, huh Burl. On a related note I spent Valentine’s Day alone again, no surprise there, right? Well, not quite alone.
Burl, I need your opinion on something: is it good to have secrets, even if no one will probably find out as long as the concrete they poured for the new senior activity center remains undisturbed? I think secrets can bind people together, ya know. Make them better friends even if they haven’t seen each other for a long time or if one of them moves to Minnesota. We always were good friends back in school, or at least I would’ve liked for us to be, haha. But no time like the present, right Burl? Name a weekend and I’ll be there with bells on, for sure.
I would like that very, very much.
So Sincerely,
Turl Batum
Class of 1987 Go Cheshires!
P.S. – did you see how I changed my name? I’ve been through a lot of changes.
Seven T Characteristics of Terminators
> From: p.asih@****.au
> Date: Tue, 9 Feb 2010 21:52:35 +0800
> Subject: Bussiness Proposal
>
> Dear Friend,
> Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr.Scott Cha-choe ,and i am the former branch Manager of Secure Online Community Bank, Giowey Branch, England. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.Now what we need to do to achieve success in this business is your Trust Sincerity and Honesty.The deceased Mr. Yuan Baojing was my client and before he was convicted and executed by the Chinese Government for murder in March 17, 2006,He had a secret account with my bank that he operated secretly with an Indonesian business associate. Below is a helpful weblink that will enable you know more about the deceased.
>
> http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-03/18/content_4315137.htm, I and the account officer to this account are aware of this account which contains the sum of $30,000.000.00. THIRTY MILLION US DOLLARS and I have decided to let you have 30% of the total sum of money. I will let you know more about me and how we can commence this business as soon as I get a positive response from you with the answers to the questions I have asked below. I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin.
>
> For us to move ahead with this transaction, I will need to know more about you. I will need you to kindly provide me with a brief profile of yourself for my confidence, a kind of back ground introduction. Are you married,do you have children, what you do and how old are you??? As soon as I hear back from you, I will provide you with a more detailed explanation of this business.Please observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.
>
> Please reply back to my private email address (****@yahoo.com<mailto:****@yahoo.com>)
> Have a pleasant day as I wait to hear back from you shortly.
>
> Best regards,
> Scott Cha-Choe.
> Subject: Bussiness Proposal
>
> Dear Friend,
> Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr.Scott Cha-choe ,and i am the former branch Manager of Secure Online Community Bank, Giowey Branch, England. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.Now what we need to do to achieve success in this business is your Trust Sincerity and Honesty.The deceased Mr. Yuan Baojing was my client and before he was convicted and executed by the Chinese Government for murder in March 17, 2006,He had a secret account with my bank that he operated secretly with an Indonesian business associate. Below is a helpful weblink that will enable you know more about the deceased.
>
> http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-03/18/content_4315137.htm, I and the account officer to this account are aware of this account which contains the sum of $30,000.000.00. THIRTY MILLION US DOLLARS and I have decided to let you have 30% of the total sum of money. I will let you know more about me and how we can commence this business as soon as I get a positive response from you with the answers to the questions I have asked below. I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin.
>
> For us to move ahead with this transaction, I will need to know more about you. I will need you to kindly provide me with a brief profile of yourself for my confidence, a kind of back ground introduction. Are you married,do you have children, what you do and how old are you??? As soon as I hear back from you, I will provide you with a more detailed explanation of this business.Please observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.
>
> Please reply back to my private email address (****@yahoo.com<mailto:****@yahoo.com>)
> Have a pleasant day as I wait to hear back from you shortly.
>
> Best regards,
> Scott Cha-Choe.
RE: Bussiness Proposal
| From: | |
| Sent: | Thu 2/11/10 5:08 PM |
| To: |
Greetings!
My name is Johnson Bilgroundlington and your email arrived just in time! I am exhausted from masturbating my coon hounds all day (I breed coon hounds and need the male coon hound semen to impregnate my female coon hounds) and your email really lifted my spirits, I must say. Financing my coon hound breeding farm has been tricky, at best. Like George Washington, Scott, I cannot tell a lie: there is not a lot of money in inexpertly breed coon hounds here in midtown Manhattan.
While I'm all for the Chinese government executing people, I have to ask if the person this Baojing ALLEGEDLY murdered wasn't really a Terminator from the not-too-distant future. Did the Chinese equivalent of the FBI test the body for the famous Seven T Characteristics of Terminators? (Tenacity, temperance, thoughtfulness, thoroughness, tranquility, transubstantiationality, teeth.) If not, then I remain skeptical of the efficacy of Baojing's execution and would be hesitant to accept any of his estate's monies.
However, if the body DID pass three or more of the Seven T Characteristics of Terminators, I would be more than willing to assist you in your efforts to dispose of the man's dirty, dirty cash money. To that effect, allow me to answer several (but not ALL, a fella has to keep his secrets he he he!!) of your questions related to me and my horniness. I am married to my work, I live in the sub-basement of a very nice apartment building in midtown Manhattan ever since I saw the doorman hitting a homeless man with a length of carbon steel rebar (I could tell it was the good stuff), and I am 47 years old. I have two children that I love very much but suffice it to say that I have several children, two of which are legitimate and four of which I do not acknowledge on the advice of legal counsel. I did not pay for this legal counsel, although I said I would. Ha ha! The joke is on him, and on my bastard children.
I am afraid we will run into significant problems in terms of me helping you invest Mr. Baojing's murder dollars. I will cut to the chase: I have lobster hands. Did you see Batman Returns? I am like that scamp The Penguin in Batman Returns. I can type very slowly with speicalized gloves I made out of mittens and coon hound claw clippings. While these gloves are handy (and sexy), it takes me surprisingly long to write even a few words and I am committed to meticulous spelling. It took me ten minutes to type the previous sentence, for instance. (Sixteen minutes now that I've explained myself. [Nineteen minutes.]) You get my point, I'm sure, about it taking me so long to type. Typing is a hurdle I have cleared, obviously, but seeing as I went to Washington, D.C. public schools as a lad I cannot sign my own name. Since I cannot sign my own name and insist on wearing an untied medical dressing gown at all times you can see how obtaining a bank account or establishing a credit history would be simply an impossibility.
I am still willing to help you, though!!!! Send me the slaughter cash in the form of a standard crate palate of thirty by thirty by thirty shoe boxes full of fifty dollar bills, and I can invest the money in bedding and mange treatment for my coon hounds! They will love you, and in honor of our achievement I will name all of them after you. Aww, they even look like you! Do you have mange and constantly howl in pain? If not I doubt they look much like you, actually.
Reply swiftly, Scott Cha-choe, I will be attending to my various enterprises and awaiting your reply!!!!!
Love,
Johnson Bilgroundlington, Esq.
My name is Johnson Bilgroundlington and your email arrived just in time! I am exhausted from masturbating my coon hounds all day (I breed coon hounds and need the male coon hound semen to impregnate my female coon hounds) and your email really lifted my spirits, I must say. Financing my coon hound breeding farm has been tricky, at best. Like George Washington, Scott, I cannot tell a lie: there is not a lot of money in inexpertly breed coon hounds here in midtown Manhattan.
While I'm all for the Chinese government executing people, I have to ask if the person this Baojing ALLEGEDLY murdered wasn't really a Terminator from the not-too-distant future. Did the Chinese equivalent of the FBI test the body for the famous Seven T Characteristics of Terminators? (Tenacity, temperance, thoughtfulness, thoroughness, tranquility, transubstantiationality, teeth.) If not, then I remain skeptical of the efficacy of Baojing's execution and would be hesitant to accept any of his estate's monies.
However, if the body DID pass three or more of the Seven T Characteristics of Terminators, I would be more than willing to assist you in your efforts to dispose of the man's dirty, dirty cash money. To that effect, allow me to answer several (but not ALL, a fella has to keep his secrets he he he!!) of your questions related to me and my horniness. I am married to my work, I live in the sub-basement of a very nice apartment building in midtown Manhattan ever since I saw the doorman hitting a homeless man with a length of carbon steel rebar (I could tell it was the good stuff), and I am 47 years old. I have two children that I love very much but suffice it to say that I have several children, two of which are legitimate and four of which I do not acknowledge on the advice of legal counsel. I did not pay for this legal counsel, although I said I would. Ha ha! The joke is on him, and on my bastard children.
I am afraid we will run into significant problems in terms of me helping you invest Mr. Baojing's murder dollars. I will cut to the chase: I have lobster hands. Did you see Batman Returns? I am like that scamp The Penguin in Batman Returns. I can type very slowly with speicalized gloves I made out of mittens and coon hound claw clippings. While these gloves are handy (and sexy), it takes me surprisingly long to write even a few words and I am committed to meticulous spelling. It took me ten minutes to type the previous sentence, for instance. (Sixteen minutes now that I've explained myself. [Nineteen minutes.]) You get my point, I'm sure, about it taking me so long to type. Typing is a hurdle I have cleared, obviously, but seeing as I went to Washington, D.C. public schools as a lad I cannot sign my own name. Since I cannot sign my own name and insist on wearing an untied medical dressing gown at all times you can see how obtaining a bank account or establishing a credit history would be simply an impossibility.
I am still willing to help you, though!!!! Send me the slaughter cash in the form of a standard crate palate of thirty by thirty by thirty shoe boxes full of fifty dollar bills, and I can invest the money in bedding and mange treatment for my coon hounds! They will love you, and in honor of our achievement I will name all of them after you. Aww, they even look like you! Do you have mange and constantly howl in pain? If not I doubt they look much like you, actually.
Reply swiftly, Scott Cha-choe, I will be attending to my various enterprises and awaiting your reply!!!!!
Love,
Johnson Bilgroundlington, Esq.
Don't be fooled, your life is about to change forever
Here's the story: I'm going to post my hilarious responses to phishing emails on this blog and you lucky people will be blessed by my tireless creative efforts. It's an exciting time.
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