Dowdy Frump Protagonist Hettie Westchurch

you must like men
Melia Shetz
(meliashetzqqhgu@****.com)
You may not know this sender. Mark as safe/Mark as junk
Sent: Wed 3/31/10 2:37 AM
To: ****@hotmail.com

hey you :=) we talked on on the internet some time ago. you never returned my texts. so are you gay lol jus kidding. i recently finished a brief marriage so i dont need a anything clingy right now but we all have physical needs :-) can you email me some pics? you can see a bunch of of me on my profile-page: h



Miss Shetz,

The subjecting line of your electronic communiqué is very perceptive! I have always enjoyed the hearty camaraderie of a stalwart group of gentlemen, although my dear, departed Anna would at times begrudge me my Thursday afternoon tipple at the club, as she desired my marital affections so. Ah, how I miss her auburn locks and the eel sandwiches she lovingly made for me every Oak Apple Day.

You mention early on in your message that I have not returned you texts. If I somehow gave you a cellular phone-based method of contacting me, I apologize, since I’ve been communicating strictly through telegrams up until four months ago when I got this “hotmail.” Telegrams, to me, represent a more secure, reliable method of communication than the hopped-up foofaraw of the telephone device, and lend themselves to stark, sturdy study as sigils of simple succinctness.

I see you have read “A Brief Marriage” by Courtney Johns-Litszer! I’m so very glad to hear that the younger, stupider generation has finally embraced Ms. Johns-Litszer’s brave neo-realist erotica. Page upon page of dowdy frump protagonist Hettie Westchurch chatting with her failed salesman husband Freder about prominent theater actors she’d “give a good rodgering to” never fails to satisfy my hankering for parlor room sensuality. How did you find the infamous bedpost scene? I dare say it near made the spats fly off my Oxfords!

I certainly agree with you about people having physical needs, Miss Shetz. My poor fourth through seventh vertebra are so desiccated that I have had to take on a surly Girl Friday of Cambodian parentage named Phhoung. Phhoung’s principal response to my requests seems to be a sharp pinch to the neck, which is both painful and rather debasing, especially in the produce aisle of Trader Joe’s. Why I allow myself to suffer the indignity of a-shopping for my own leafy goods in addition to Phhoung’s approbations is quite a conundrum, but life deposits us in queer little corners sometimes, wouldn’t you agree?

I’m sure you meant to type “picts” where you mention “pics” in your message. Do they teach nothing in preparatory schools these days?? Firstly, “picts” refers to a people group and must be capitalized, thusly: Picts. Second, given that the Picts were long ago absorbed into the greater Gaelic populace of Scotland, I trust you will understand my skepticism at my ability to somehow digitize even one, not to mention the several you request in your message.

I wholeheartedly wish you Saint Cajetan’s own fortune in finding a un-“clingy” garment for the upcoming round of seasonal dances. Might I recommend an unassuming lavender tea gown? May you wear it in good health, but make sure to keep your décolletage concealed, lest you attract one roustabout too many, ah ha ha. I am

Sincerely Yours,

Oswalt A. W. Denning-Smithe