"Mimes A-Poppin': Silent Fury"

Rent contract‏

From:	Micah Simpson (feesvi@****.com)
Sent:	Fri 4/30/10 6:11 AM
To:	jjon1123@****.com

Good morning,
We have prepared a contract and added the paragraphs that you wanted to see in it.
Our lawyers made alterations on the last page. If you agree with all the provisions we are ready to make the payment on Friday for the first consignment.
We are enclosing the file with the prepared contract.
If necessary, we can send it by fax.
Looking forward to your decision.
"Micah Simpson

Mr. Simpson,

I regret to inform you that I have a few more addendums as to the aircraft hanger I will rent while I shoot my epic claymation film “Mimes A-Poppin’: Silent Fury” in 3D. Why claymation mimes, you ask? I’ll tell you: I am OBSESSED with capturing the raw, desperate emotion on a mime’s face as he or she attempts to dazzle the audience with invisible box trickery or invisible rope pulling. Because they’re pulling that rope for us, Micah. For all of us! You can only achieve my vision with total control, and I need you to believe me when I say that I’ve tried filming actual mimes. Talk about a bunch of divas, I’ve never seen the “talk to the hand” gesture more in my life! And their berets were everywhere after shower time. It was, to put it succinctly, a disaster.

Now let me fill you in on some of the details about my new rent contract requirements, given that I will be filming eight-inch-tall clay mime figures on a miniature set that is fifty feet by fifty feet, with my cell phone camera. Since I need absolute silence to keep the correct mime-friendly atmosphere (the silence really “pops” on screen), I need to have another aircraft hanger built within the hanger our rent contract currently covers, with toxic foam insulation between the old and new hanger. Why toxic, you ask? Because it’s the best, that’s why! My project deserves all the support I can give it, and if some Guatemalans get “sponge lung” from installing toxic sound-dampening insulation, SO BE IT. I’d kill them with my own hands if it meant a 1,300 theater opening weekend for “Mimes A’Poppin’: Silent Fury“ and you can take that to the bank. Any bank. Or a credit union. Both of which have denied me loans.

The other major change I need to our rent contract is a three-floor excavation beneath the aircraft hanger so I can accurately film my mime mine scenes. This mine has to be DEEP, and I think two hundred feet will accurately translate into the kind of mine a troupe of mimes could get into some hijinks in, if my calculations are correct. Hey, they always are! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha. Oh mercy! My wife would have found that quite hilarious, if she hadn’t left me when I told her the title to my film. To clarify, I told her the title after I told her I was doing the movie and also after I told her that I’d taken out a second and third mortgage on our condo to pay for the first three hours of shooting. “No one wants to watch a four hour movie about mimes!” she said as she packed her bags. “They will if it’s in 3D, you ice-cold trollop!” I replied, level headedly. She then shot me in the right calf. My wheelchair has damaged the miniature set many, many times, Micah.

So, here we are. Waiting for the changes I’ve discussed here to go through so I can film that crucial finale scene to “Mimes A-Poppin’: Silent Fury.” I’ll give you a glimpse of the penultimate shot: We zoom over the rooftops along the Champs-Elysees, a single cloud wafts over the Paris sky. Our hero, Renard, has vanquished the villain, a circus clown (there’s a whole “Romeo and Juliet” circus clown/mime subplot, it’s AMAZING) who killed Renard’s family. Our hero stands on top of a pile of rubble, the result of his epic battle with the clown. The circus clown looks up at Renard through blood-shot eyes and says “I don’t…I don’t need…your pity.” and honks his clown horn twice. Renard scowls, wipes his makeup off with his glove so he can speak and says, “This is for my family.” He kicks the clown in the crotch, causing him to roll/fall down the pile of rubble. Our hero gets a grenade out from his pants, pulls the pin with his teeth, and says “And this…is for ME.” Renard turns and throws the grenade over his shoulder down to where the clown rolled, walks away in slow motion while a giant wall of flame and smoke erupts from the other side of the rubble, and we fade to a title card that says “The end?”

I Am Desperate,

Lionel Bildridge

Get Out the Gladiator Net, This One's Wearing Combat Boots

looking for a sexy sgood figured‏

From:	Jamie (****@pookmail.com)
Sent:	Thu 5/06/10 5:52 AM
To:	****@hotmail.com

hi hunny, long time since we spoke last. i posted an ad on cl and got flooded with replies, but i liked yours the best. i'll cut to the chase with everything, ive signed up and used just about every dating site out there and i never have the same luck as i do on cl, its just kinda scary meeting random guys. I used to use a few dating sites that would screen members for being offenders but they were normally fakes or scams and the guys i did meet up with were normally mad at me lol. anyways i jsut got lifelock and one of the best features in my mind is the offender registry they have, you can look up your own address to see if someone is using it as a offender address, good info for you to know and for a girl to know before meeting a stranger. I want to be the bad girl you want me to be, but i want to be safe too, this is simple just signup for a account at **** and then you can do a background search on your address, click Reply on this email and email me back your results if your address is safe ill come over whenever you want, I would like to meet sooner then later so get the account and email me ill send u my cell u can tell me the naughty things you want to do to me hehe kiss kiss jamie hoffman

Jamie,

Hey girl! I understand your late reply, I always get just flooded with responses whenever I post an ad on ColanderLife.biz. They’re all like “Hey, sweet colander!” and no one talks much about my ads for colander hole enlargement. And I’m just frustrated, Jaime, because I really do feel that I have perfected a system for enlarging the holes in colanders and the world of ColanderLife.biz either isn’t ready for that or they can’t see the potential for their pasta straining or produce washing needs. It’s just a frustration, Jamie! I mean, get with the program, ColanderLife.biz!

Now, whenever I need my online hookup partners screened without them knowing it, I always go to BearTrap.org, where all the most eligible butch, hairy men are rated and cross-referenced with the sex offender list of your zip code. You have to put in your zip code, in the upper right hand corner? On the BearTrap message boards we call it “tagged and bagged” like we’re bear scientists, which is accurate given the amount of raw meat I handle. Ooooh! Oh no I didn’t! Yes I diiiiiid. I’m nasty, ooooh! Girl, I’m serious, it gets crazy as a mother over at the BearTrap. So anyway, yes it’s important to screen. Although sometime, just between you, me and the sea, it’s almost better to not know, you know? You know what I mean? Just, just closing your eyes and gettin’ a grip on what’s ever poking through that hole in the wall. I swear, I swear sometimes I am too much. Too much!

So I was tweetin’ the other day. Do you tweet Jamie? I just can’t get enough of it, I swear the battery on my phone dies quicker than a Haitian! So I was tweetin’, and I said “Who’s making nachos for themselves? I AAAAAAAM! Hashtag deliciousness Hashtag so much awesome” and it was a little sad because I had actually just said that out loud to myself right before I tweeted it and I was all alone when I said it but I was like really peppy about it, like I was AMPED about those nachos. But at the same time, there I was all alone and there wasn’t anyone to enjoy the nachos with me and they didn’t turn out all that awesome to be honest. I tell you what though, I love to tweet.

Jamie, have you ever had something turn out not so great? Like maybe your kids? I have two kids and they’re doing awesooooome! These women, I swear, these women take one look at my triceps and they’re like, “I don’t care how you mix up your dough as long as I get your bun in my oven.” I swear, Jamie! No it’s true, these women out there are baby CRAZY. They’re all like, “Ooooh, my biological clock!” and I’m all like “Girl, you better wind that biological clock ‘cause it better not go off and wake me up! I need my ten hours!” Then they’re all like “Get out the gladiator net, this one’s wearing combat boots!” ‘cause I went through a combat boot phase? Combat boot phase, ooooh like, seven years ago?

Well, in closing Jamie I guess I should quote my old aunt Bill – that’s a little joke – who was fond of saying,

Work Hard, Gay Hard,

Clarence Fish