A Kind of Pavlovian Trigger

RE: Hi‏

From:	Lana Pack (****@hotmail.com)
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Sent:	Thu 4/22/10 9:32 PM
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Affordable V na IAGRA $ 1 CIALI yo S $2 LEV kf ITRA

Jeyne. The tall girl? suckling babes for prizes a tenth the size of Tarth. I am not Renly Baratheon, I confess it, but I have

Ms. Pack,

Jeyne was of average height.  I think you’re confused.  And the Tarth lottery, impressive though it might be to someone who’s trying to sell me “vnaiagra,” in my opinion is among the lesser lotteries of our times.  Granted, the Tarth lottery is sizeable for an underground lottery that people rarely talk about except in emails, but I wouldn’t compare it to the Darth lottery.  That might be an unfair comparison, since you have to be a Sith Lord to even enter the Darth lottery.  But you can’t argue that the Tarth lottery’s anything but small potatoes, in the grand scheme of the other Westeros lotteries.  And it’s certainly no Garth lottery.  Little Wayne’s World joke there, haha.  Everyone knows the Garth lottery’s rigged.

Back to Jeyne.  If we’re talking about the same Jeyne, and I can only assume we are, she was sleepy-eyed and brunette, but not tall.  She had a limp from being thrown out of a rickshaw and the nail of her right pointer finger kept falling off, but she was of average height.  Her father was a double agent for Target working in Sears, and eventually he was found out and the Sears people mailed his left hand to Jeyne’s family.  Those monsters even stole his watch and wedding band before they mailed his hand.  I can only imagine what that must have done to Jeyne, but I feel confident in saying that she wouldn’t go around entering competitions where she breast feeding babies.  Especially not for the Tarth lottery, which everyone knows is based in Cambodia and is administered by unsavory characters.  Jeyne was good people before she got run over by that ice cream truck.  There were some among us, myself included, who theorized that she was brainwashed by the Target people to throw herself under the ice cream truck to cover their tracks with her dad, and that they used “The Entertainer” (which is the melody all decent ice cream trucks use to announce their presence) as a kind of Pavlovian trigger…seeing that written out makes it seem a little less plausible. 

No matter.  Suffice it to say that Jeyne got a raw deal and Lana, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep her name out of these levkfitra emails in the future.  Renly Baratheon, on the other hand, is a scoundrel of the first order, and deserves any infamy his actions garner him, I don't care whose brother he is.  Listen to this:  I heard that Renly Baratheon once pushed someone down.  I head he shot his pellet gun at Mrs. Johnson’s dog and that the pellet’s still in there.  Billy said Renly Baratheon cheats at marbles and only keeps the marbles he wins because he’s so big and mean.  This one time, Lana, this one time Renly Baratheon called me a “stoop” right in the middle of the lunch room and I ran out of the lunch room because I didn’t want Susie to see me crying.  Renly Bartheon is no good, and I heard that after he did all that stuff in third grade he dropped out and had to get his G.E.D. and now he just complains all day about the Council on Foreign Relations controlling the weather.  Can you really blame him, though?  (No.)

In closing, I just want to say I wish there was more laughter in the world and less black-on-black crime.  Fashion crime.  If you’re going to wear a lot of black, at least put on a white shirt for contrast!

Born With One Ball,

Gerald Terrence Jorgenson